So I been a while since I blogged some months ago. I find that I need a outlet or else I am an utter mess… Maybe not. Who knows.
I don’t know what to write about… I am running a million miles in my head. So many things happened. Like the fact that I am moving in a month to a smaller place. (My current place is just big enough for the five of us.) I am having mixed feelings about it. Mostly negative. I wonder what it will be like, but only God knows. Ever since my panic attack some time ago, my internal life is crumbling down, piece by piece. I am not having such a great social life, which is a given for any introvert, but I still crave to be liked by a small group of 5 or so at least. I do have “individual” friends that I could hang out, one on one style. That however doesn’t feel enough. NOTHING FEELS ENOUGH WITH ME!!!!! BUt, the fact is …socially I am a dud. Academically, I am going down a bad path in the “popular” sense. [I am basically having straight F’s] However, I think it i am trying to learn myself…. err screw it… I am doing academic suicide now. Or better yet, I’m just “cutting” myself until its too deep to feel pain anymore about school at this point. I just am apathetic and unmotivated, maybe just not school… maybe my whole life! I just need to like skip my GE and have a REAL sense in what I want out of school. Thank God I only have a month left, but I don’t think I can pick up my grades… or even want to for that matter.
So detached from my world. I basically can’t show my emotion (by crying) without feeling judged by someone.
I maybe learn to block my raw feelings… BUT i want to release them out and not trapping them inside my heart.
I am asking someone to help find me a therapist… because well I am psychologically fucked up.
Oh yeah, someone advised me to not to take a break from school because once I do, I might not get back and stuff. And, I just should retake the classes at my own pace.
I JUST WANT TO TAKE A BREAK.
Mom is reminding me to do well in school.
I don’t know what to make my next moves with life in general.
God is leading me somewhere and I am tired of it. I just want be at the destination already.
I just don’t know.
Maybe joining PCC is the best thing that happened to me in a while now. That and spending so much time with my best friend.
Dear God, If You hear me, please show me the way.