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Crazied out thoughts

May 3, 2010

So I been a while since I blogged some months ago. I find that I need a outlet or else I am an utter mess… Maybe not. Who knows.

I don’t know what to write about… I am running a million miles in my head. So many things happened. Like the fact that I am moving in a month to a smaller place. (My current place is just big enough for the five of us.) I am having mixed feelings about it. Mostly negative. I wonder what it will be like, but only God knows. Ever since my panic attack some time ago, my internal life is crumbling down, piece by piece. I am not having such a great social life, which is a given for any introvert, but I still crave to be liked by a small group of 5 or so at least. I do have “individual” friends that I could hang out, one on one style. That however doesn’t feel enough. NOTHING FEELS ENOUGH WITH ME!!!!! BUt, the fact is …socially I am a dud. Academically, I am going down a bad path in the “popular” sense. [I am basically having straight F’s] However, I think it i am trying to learn myself…. err screw it… I am doing academic suicide now. Or better yet, I’m just “cutting” myself until its too deep to feel pain anymore about school at this point. I just am apathetic and unmotivated, maybe just not school… maybe my whole life! I just need to like skip my GE and have a REAL sense in what I want out of school. Thank God I only have a month left, but I don’t think I can pick up my grades… or even want to for that matter.

So detached from my world. I basically can’t show my emotion (by crying) without feeling judged by someone.

I maybe learn to block my raw feelings… BUT i want to release them out and not trapping them inside my heart.

I am asking someone to help find me a therapist… because well I am psychologically fucked up.

Oh yeah, someone advised me to not to take a break from school because once I do, I might not get back and stuff. And, I just should retake the classes at my own pace.

I JUST WANT TO TAKE A BREAK.

Mom is reminding me to do well in school.

I don’t know what to make my next moves with life in general.

God is leading me somewhere and I am tired of it. I just want be at the destination already.

I just don’t know.

Maybe joining PCC is the best thing that happened to me in a while now. That and spending so much time with my best friend.

Dear God, If You hear me, please show me the way.

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Up to now…

January 29, 2010

Leading Faith sharing
It been concluded lately why mass doesnt have enough sparks was because theres no spirituality. So one day last week, I asked Panda, the almighty former youth mass leader, if theres a spiritual leader. He said he does not think there’s one. One thing lead to another. After talking to Panda, it made me realized that we need a spiritual leader for our youth mass and choir. I thought it was best to start with choir because I know their faces, and what better way to propose it then bring it up to our semi-annual choir meeting. Only a few active people came, but all their positive comments approved of this. I also got a faith sharing mentor who is Tracey! Anyways, I talked with Tracey yesterday and I got tons of ideas. I hope Choir is grounded, because I will soon knock off their socks.

Status of Choir
So, the original leaders that I joined back in spring of 2008 (yeah not that far back but yeah) have stepped down and giving some faces the position. Practices feels weird now because of it. The atmosphere is more lighter then ever… such a good thing. Yes, I am still leading my own thing, however it is mostly behind covers now. We will see how everything goes.

I got my driver’s license.
Yay.

School
Have to go get ready. Haha. It only starts in 3 days away.

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Maturity

January 17, 2010

I want to change. To act according to my surroundings. I am indeed having a hard time. Tired of the habits of placing blames on others, being dependent, being emotional (in all the wrong places), react too quickly, and the list goes on from there.

I need to change to be more mature.

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*note to self- edit this when you are more awake*

January 16, 2010

So, its almost half past 6 in the morning. woke up all night, I am finally calm after watching the latest episodes of Grey’s and Bone and a movie. My~ didn’t pick up her phone when i called (more than once)to ask a ride to Flock’s practice. I have a feeling that she is ignoring me, but that is not confirmed yet. However, when Hai and I talked about who “let me go”, My~ was included. *shrugs* I guess its over with her. Add another tally on the friendships I ruined over that past months or so since Lumos 1, why don’t you? *sigh* Andy wouldn’t make things work out and be friends. So that is another tally. I feel like I ruined countless relationships, but it is not. I could think of three that just feel apart because of our lives are busy, but besides that, I ruined all my terminal friendships. Only one stuck thru only because she is tethered to my life no matter what happens. Cathy,childhood enemy, closest family member, best friend ever since forever. We grew together and will grow old together. (Or so we think.) But, Cathy even have her own life to live. I feel so lonely now. This loneliness have eaten me away.. slowly.
People say I am emotional and opens too much. I am. Too scare to make new ones. Too scare to open up with people that still calls me as a “friend”. In truth, I tell people from the internet. I know it is not a real life friendship though. I ruin all my friendships. I don’t know how to change it though. People say to step into other people’s feet. Maybe be shallow and just engage in small talks? I don’t a exact guidebook on how my personality should interact with everyday friends. My own advice would be that I just need to take every encounter one at a time. I would surely mature to be my age in time.

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So empty

January 10, 2010

Going to church now-a-days feels like a chore rather than a spiritual refreshment. I feel like I lose energy by trying to connect to someone or something. Connection to God seem so vague right now. since December, it feels like my heart is leaking out its strength to connect to people from YM and God. I know it has some correlation to someone else from the community. I have had a crush on him. He is like someone who shown me how to love God as He have done to me. Also, how to put faith in God. How can one person makes a whole different me while I am apart of a Catholic community?

I don’t know what else to say.

I will feel empty tonight.

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Random thoughts of 1/8

January 8, 2010

I feel like I am running in an endless urge to dump people my emotions on them because I have no clue how to deal it myself. True, I have like five of them who flat out just let me go or just stopped myself. So yeah, I am changing this year to be more independent. Change from within. Use other outlet besides people’s email address. Yeah, no one might read this at all, and I might not get any feedback or advice. Well, there’s self help books and sites online that does that can do it for me. I just don’t know how to vent out my anger in such a way that it is not dangerous for me or other parties. (yes, I can have road rage.)
Someone told me how to mature is to take responsibility to your actions and desires. Another said it is knowing how society work and how to function in it well. I do not know which is the better answer, but I know how people come to that answer.
Andy and Vinson is giving me harsh times. If it is anyone apologizing, it would be me. I was the one who was having irrational and emotional thoughts and actions. I did hurtful things to both of them. I am willing to place all blames on me. But how am I suppose to do that when they made their mind not to listen to me anymore?
My hearts goes out to Camille, who lose her uncle. According to her blog entry, they seem very close. I pray that she and her family can get past this tragic event.

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Wanted: friends

January 6, 2010

After the feelings of hope after Lumos had faded away, (yes, one single emotion only last 3 days at a time for me) I am feeling the same before I came into helping for Lumos. I feel sad, discouraged, a bit lonely, and like I was left out of something important. Maybe that something was going out with friends that you can chill with. That is the thing … maybe. From what I have observed everyone from SPCL/FLOCK/YM is doing. Or everyone have friends from other places to to go out with. Or maybe just getting out of the house often enough. Even Cathy is doing it. However, the thing is that I don’t have close enough friends to ask out with. If I ask people that I barely know from SPCL/FLOCK/YM, it might be weird for all parties. Or I just push away friends that I once considered to be close before, but not now. Yes, dang my introversion and shyness. I know that I make friends slower and fewer than the norm, but I can not help it. I want some fun. I want to get out of my house and my bedroom where I spend like most of my days. Even though I can treat my bedroom as a place to retreat into after a hectic day with people, it also feels like a prison after I recharged for too long.